Loving you, it's like
by DreamPhonix
Summary: Stiles is afraid to tell Derek about his feelings in person and writes him a letter instead.


_Hey, _

_so, this is kinda awkward for me but I think I owe you an explanation for my behavior the other night. I know that I'm a coward for __not telling you this in person__ but I'm afraid of your reaction __and I can't bear to this the rejection in your eyes. Well, I could have called you but I'm afraid of doing that as well. So I'll just stick with writing a letter. A bit old-fashioned, I know but it does its purpose. __So yeah, I think I'm gonna start now_

_You know, back when I thought I was in love with Lydia, I was … hurt, I guess. I was hurt because I knew that the person I liked didn't like me back but I never gave up on her. I couldn't. Like I was waiting for this one moment she'd realize that I was right there and had been for a long while. Because there was always that tiny, little voice in the back of my mind that would tell me "Just wait, Stiles. There __will__ be __a__ day even Lydia Martin will notice you".__So I kept __on__ loving her from afar because that was the only way I could love her in a romantic way. _

_And over the years loving Lydia became a part of me. When you asked someone about me they'd just say: "Stiles? Isn't that the dude who's obsessed with Lydia Martin?" _

_I guess they would also call me weird and quirky but that's beyond my point right now. Because I have always been quirky and stuff and while I can't change that about me I do realize that it might be the one thing why most people avoid me. And it also might be the one thing why Lydia never fell in love with me but it isn't important anymore anyway because even though loving Lydia was a part of me for a long time, I realized that I didn't actually love her. Not really._

_I mean, I do love her, in a friendly kinda way but love her as in she is it for me? No. Well, I think I did love her back in the beginning of my crush but it changed over the years. My feelings they just, they cooled down, I guess. Don't get me wrong, Lydia is beautiful and all and she'll always be special to me but I don't love her. Not anymore at least. It just was a comforting thought to think that there might be someone one day, someone who I loved and loved me back. And the moment I realized that I wasn't in love with Lydia was kinda shocking but it made me realize another thing too._

_That I was indeed not in love with Lydia but that I was in love with someone else instead. That I was in love with you, Derek, and it scared the shit out of me. Not because I was in love with a guy or that I was gay or bisexual but because now I had gone and fell in love with a person whom I knew could never, ever love be back. And it hurts. It hurts so much to know that you are right there besides me but you couldn't be further away. _

_It hurts even more than loving Lydia because at least with her I could dream of some stupid sappy relationship I totally knew we would never have. But with you I can't even do that because you are you and I am me and you kinda hate me and I have never in my entire life wished more for being someone else because than there might be a slight chance you could like me._

_But loving you was never the worst part about it. I never regretted falling in love with you and I never will. The worst part about everything is to know that you don't feel the same way as I feel for you. The worst part is not loving **you** but loving a person I can never have._

_I don't blame you for not liking me. Hell, I didn't blame Lydia for not liking me even though I've liked her for like forever. But I can't really compare you and Lydia because my feelings for Lydia were not even in the slightest bit as intense as my feelings are for you._

_God, I love you, I love you so much and even though I'm just seventeen I already know that I won't ever love someone the way I love you. _

_And the funny part about it is that I still want to love you. That I wouldn't give you up for the world. I know, it's stupid and it hurts and it will always hurt but it's so, **so** good. _

_Loving you it's like... It's like a hot wave that runs through my body and burns itself into my heart. It's like you're enlightening everything by your mere existence. It's like you spend me warmth without even knowing it but it doesn't matter because you're keeping my warm anyway."_

_You might think I'm stupid for telling you all this but I wanted, no, I needed you to know how I feel about you, especially after the other night."_

_And it's not really an explanation nor an apology for my behavior __but I thought that I owed you at least that for the trouble I caused you. I am sorry, you know. Not for loving you, obviously, but for making you uncomfortable. __I never wanted that. That's why I never wanted to tell you about my feelings in the first place. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. _

_Yeah, I think that's it __so I__'ll just gonna stop writing now and __hope this doesn't change things too much between us. I'm sorry. I really am. __And I__ don't really know how to end this stupid letter. Maybe 'love' isn't that appropriated but it's true nonetheless. _

_Love_

_Stiles _

* * *

**A/N: ****so, does anyone wanna know what happened the other night and/or what Derek thinks about it? **


End file.
